It’s bath time and when I stripped Keeghan for the tub, he ran away laughing, which is adorable and heartwarming because, after all, nothing sounds happier than a baby laughing. I was slowly following when I heard Ian shout, “Mommy, Keeghan’s peeing.” followed in a few seconds by the matter-of-fact update “now he’s putting his hand in it.”
Bath time is AWESOME.
A nasty stomach bug knocked us on our tushies yesterday. Except for Keeghan who had it about 24 hours before the rest of us. At any rate, what could have been a hideous nightmare turned into a peculiarly beautiful family bonding experience. Unable to do much of anything at all, we spent an entire day together. As wretched as I felt, I enjoyed spending the day with my dudes. Under any other circumstances, what went on here yesterday would have been absolutely horrific parenting, but we muddled through somehow, all as happy as our respective miseries would allow us to be. I hope this bug spares your family.
Ian has a new game, where I stick my arms out and he climbs up me and then slides down. He loves it and I have to admit it’s cute and fun but I feel like I should caution him never to try this on anyone who isn’t expecting it… particularly since I once tried to jump on my babysitter, Jane, when she came to pick me up to go see the Nutcracker, and I thought for years that I had broken her back. I was probably his age at the time.
“Mommy, that’s me, climbed ALL the way up.”
I realize we have been a bit slap-dash about these this week. Next week I’m sure we’ll do better. Or else, we will do worse and you’ll look back on these and they’ll look good in comparison. Either way, really. Oh, and if you have a short attention span or you missed them yesterday, here are this week’s stats. Also, that’s about as close as I’ll be getting to New Year’s Resolutions, so have fun with that.
I want to take a moment to shout about my workout buddy Jenn, who is doing SO AMAZINGLY WELL! She is about to outstrip me on every metric which is only remarkable because she has been sick for basically the entire holiday season. Instead of using that as an excuse to curl up with as much cake as she could eat, she has been super careful about what she eats and she looks AMAZING in her New Year’s Eve photos!
Because no excuse for putting goofy things on our heads is too flimsy.
I hope the close of 2012 finds you well and happy! We have plans to spend the last few days of this year just like we did the rest of them- being a little too loud, smiling as hard as we can, laughing often, and loving always. We wish the same for all of you- may 2013 be full of good things, too numerous to count.
As you know, we stopped mailing the bulk of our holiday cards a few years ago and I’ve really never been one for the “Holiday Letter,” probably because I can’t imaging summing up an entire year in a format short enough to read in a single sitting. But, stay in touch, okay? We love you all.
Just a little fun with my dudes
It’s time for my weekly check in. Thank you all so much for putting up with me- the accountability of these Monday posts is really helping me to stay on track. I hope you’ll stick with me through all my thoughts today. I wrote most of this post last week, before the headlines that upset us all and which I will NOT BE DISCUSSING. I realize this may still be a little too much too soon for some people. Thank you for being here.
You may remember that I’m not going for thin here- I’m going for STRONG. There are a lot of reasons for that. I have kids to raise, and they are going to need protecting until they are big enough to protect themselves. While they are growing, I have to show them how to stand up for themselves and to stand tall- literally and figuratively. I have to teach them how to protect others when they need it. I cannot do those things if I’ve reduced myself to two dimensions in the hopes of looking like a picture out of a magazine.
I was looking for recommendations for fitness videos on YouTube and found a link to a YouTube channel (sorry, I’m not going to link it, you’ll just have to take my word for it) where the fitness instructor looks like a living skeleton with enormous breast implants. Ironically, she makes many references to “sexy curves.” Her featured video started to play and she was talking about how to resistance train without getting “bulky.” It made me a little sick. (I’m not trying to tear her down, I know she works hard and I believe she has great intentions. I hope there are people who’ve been inspired to make positive changes in their lives because of her. I’m not blaming her; I’m just using my reaction to her work to illustrate my point about something that’s way bigger than either of us.)
Why are we still, now, in 2012 (almost 2013) telling women that they should not be STRONG? Why are we telling each other that we wouldn’t want to “bulk up?” Unless you are taking steroids, trust me, nothing you do is going to make you look like the Terminator, so just get strong. Please. So you can stand up for yourself. So you can stand up for your kids. So you believe in you, not in some fantasy ideal that can’t exist in the real, solid world. It makes me mad that we are telling each other this, and it makes me mad that we are telling our daughters these things.
It makes me mad because every once in a while, a friend of mine confides that her husband is slapping her around. (And by “every once in a while,” I mean way too *&^%ing often. Oh, and if you are reading this and wondering if the most recent incident was YOUR wife, know that next time, it might be.) I’m not saying that this couldn’t happen if she was stronger, but I think that doing what it takes to be stronger gives women resources to draw on. Physical strength to protect themselves. Inner strength to help them through the aftermath. And, I hope and pray, a community of strong, loving people to whom they can turn for support. Because a woman in this position is going to need all the strength and support she can get.
On the one hand, when a friend confides in you that she’s not safe in her own home, you want to scream, “GET OUT. GET YOUR KIDS OUT. I’M GETTING MY KEYS. I’LL BE RIGHT THERE, and I’m bringing the FRICKING CAVALRY.” But, in your heart of hearts, you know that a woman who is in this position needs the power to make her own decisions. I also know that because of the way our courts work, she might not be able to protect her kids without a long and carefully thought out exit strategy. Prosecuting her abuser may be difficult or impossible. Taking legal actions to protect herself might push him to greater violence. Taking non-legal actions might cost her more than she can handle. There is nothing simple here.
So, if I could be talking about you, know this. You are loved. There are people who will help you. This is not your fault. Please read that again and again until you believe it. It’s not your fault. You are loved. And call me. I’ll get my keys. Or come on over. This is a safe place. I’m not judging you. Show up without shoes on your feet or diapers for the baby. It’s ok. I’ll make cake. You can have a cup of tea. Rest here a while.
And if you are the abuser- I SEE YOU. Your wife is not invisible. Your secret is not safe with me, because your wife is not safe. I can and do feel compassion for you as a human being, but it stops the minute you put your hands on her or your kids. If you’re still sane enough to be ashamed of yourself, you can do the right thing. Call your pastor, call a doctor, call SOMEONE and tell them what you’ve done. Find a place to stay until your family is safe from you. Have the locks changed on yourself. Get help. Put your family first.
The rest of you- you’re the fricking cavalry. I’m appointing you to that position. Because until both the victims and the perpetrators of violence in the home know that we will come, every time, no questions asked, this will keep happening. Keep an eye on your friends, and if you see something that worries you, ask your friend if she is safe. Remind her that she’s loved. Tell her it’s not her fault. Don’t let her feel invisible. Tell her she shouldn’t feel ashamed and that you are listening. And come join me. Let’s get STRONGER. Let’s be that loving community of strong friends to whom she can turn, again and again.
Keep showing up even when she doesn’t leave. Keep showing up even if she goes back. Even if she defends him. Because if we don’t, we are sending the message that she’s right to give in. She is right to be afraid of her husband. She’s right not to leave her boyfriend, because he is so dangerous that even those of us who are safe in our own homes don’t have the guts to face him down. And we send HIM the message that he’s safe. That he can keep hitting or choking or kicking her and her kids every time he feels small or angry or stressed out, because we don’t care enough to do anything about it. We are sending the message that it is okay for him to do whatever he likes, even if that is something that makes our stomach turn. Even if it kills her.
And that is not okay. That’s not okay with me, and I know it’s not okay with you. So, welcome to the cavalry. I wish I could tell you it’s a happy place to be, but it’s not. It’s an angry, angry place where you have to make yourself look at things you’d rather turn away from. It’s a place that will make you hold your kids a little tighter and kiss your partner a little harder. It’ll make you uncomfortable. It’ll make you want to be STRONG.
Monday Progress Report:
I feel like I should specify here that I’m tracking my TOTAL progress. So when I say + or -, I mean vs. day 1, not since my last progress report. It helps me to keep the big picture in mind, so I don’t get discouraged on weeks where progress is smaller.
Day: 36
The scale has moved: -11 lbs
The inches have changed: -12 inches
I feel: STRONGER.
I’ve walked: 41.31 miles and counting!
I am aware that not only women are the victims of domestic violence. My personal experience only extends to women abused by their male significant others, and I wrote this from my experience. If that isn’t you but you cannot trust the ones who are supposed to love you, please know that I’m talking to you, too. You are loved. You deserve to be safe. Please, please, please get help.
I was making Ian’s lunch and told him I couldn’t cut up any more apples for his breakfast until I finished, so he reminded me that he could do it himself with his “kids knife.” I wedged an apple for him and then he did just that, while peppering me with questions about “The Pampered Chef Lady.” (Did she make the knife? Does she own the factory? What does she do then?)
Pampered Chef Kids Knife: $5
My Kindergartener making his own breakfast, practicing good knife etiquette safely, feeling independent and making our morning go smoother: PRICELESS.
As far as I’m concerned, that knife has paid for itself! And my kid just got a lesson in how direct sales works as a business model. I’m sure he’ll have a thriving franchise in no time.
Most of the moms I know are really, really good at taking care of people and really terrible at taking care of themselves. Case in point: I love the 10 lb slimdown, but one of the reasons I stopped last time I started this habit is that it was very hard for me to carve 40 minutes out of the day to do it. Really. I was actually having trouble devoting 40 minutes- not even of every day, just several days a week- to taking care of myself. Now that I no longer have a young infant and my eldest is in school full time (no, I STILL cannot believe it) I am finding that easier, but really, 40 minutes? That’s not even an episode of Burn Notice. I should be high enough on my own list of priorities to rate that much!
Talking with other moms, the subject of why we consistently move our own needs to the bottom of the list often comes up. I don’t pretend to know if it’s a universal problem, but I do know that almost every mom I know has run into at some point. Whether it’s worrying that we’ll start to gain instead of lose the baby weight when our kids hit that “I’m so active you barely have time to pee let alone make a salad so you’re going to eat the rest of my macaroni and cheese for lunch every day because you’re hungry enough to gnaw your own arm off and it’s already cooked” phase or not ever having five minutes in our own heads, it’s there. It’s where we live. And if you are trying to be a mom AND, you live there twice. (A mom AND work outside the home, a mom AND go to school, a mom AND still have a sense of identity outside motherhood… you get the idea.) I don’t often get to have real talks with dads, but my impression is that dads don’t do this to themselves as much. So it begs the question… why? Why do we do this to ourselves, as moms? It’s not because it doesn’t benefit our families for us to take care of ourselves. As far as I can tell, it’s a line of self-talk we have bought into that taking care of everyone else reduces our stress. So let’s do ourselves a favor and STOP IT. Take care of you today. I mean it. TAKE CARE OF YOU. Because your kids love you. Your extended families love you. If you have an SO, he or she loves you. *I* love you. So do it. Please?
I also want to take a moment to offer some Kudos to my workout buddy, Jenn for LITERALLY putting herself first for a while every day. Getting up at 4 am so she can get her workouts in FIRST every day and making sure she takes care of herself before she starts taking care of everyone else is awesome. I am SO PROUD OF HER! (And our mornings would be a lot less hectic if I’d take a page out of her book. Maybe tomorrow.)
So. Hello week five of the 10 lb slimdown and healthy eating overhaul around here! I cannot say enough good things about this workout program. I’m not an authority, but I know that I enjoy at least 2/3 of what Chris Freytag has included in this plan, and I DO know that this is the perfect after baby rehab. (Why she doesn’t market it that way I don’t know!) Plus, if you haven’t already, check out the guns on her! That is a woman who can go sleeveless every day and twice on Saturdays! I like it!
As far as the post-partum thing goes, I have a very mild diastasis recti and ANYONE who’s had a 9 lb baby needs to rehab their pelvic floor at least a little. Between the planks and squats and the plyometrics, this program has done wonders for what Keeghan (and probably Ian, too, but I wasn’t tracking it so I can’t say) did to my body. (He’s SO WORTH IT and also, 19 months old today. Really. That seems like an impossibly large number, but I double checked. It’s true.) I’ve reached a point where the workouts in the regular 10 lb slimdown are still challenging but completely doable- I haven’t been modifying almost at all. So I’m hoping to make a move to the 10 lb extreme. I’m going to give it a shot and see if I’m ready. I’ll let you know.
Monday Progress Report:
I feel like I should specify here that I’m tracking my TOTAL progress. So when I say + or -, I mean vs. day 1, not since my last progress report. It helps me to keep the big picture in mind, so I don’t get discouraged on weeks where progress is smaller.
Day: 29
The scale has moved: -9 lbs
The inches have changed: -11.25 inches
I feel: Ready to push through ’til New Year’s!!!!
I’ve walked: 30.39 miles and counting!
The two of them are approximately 70lbs, total.
Every year we still put up the little tree even though we also do a big one. The kids are allowed to decorate it, and we normally invite friends to help and we make ornaments for it. Some years, the poor little tree looks like it can’t hold up everything we hang on it by the end of December.
Personally, as soon as that smile shows up I feel like my work is done.